he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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