I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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