Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
