found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
