If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
