I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
