I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
nutella sex= disaster
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
