Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
