Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
