Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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