my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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