K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
