thus making me awesome and them whores
time to smoke my breakfast
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
