It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
