UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
