It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
