I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
