I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
