think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
