stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
