Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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