We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
