I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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