you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
