I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize