In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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