why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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