you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I did not marry a roomba.
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