Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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