i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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