i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
