youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
