Four minutes until I can fart!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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