I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
