i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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