I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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