Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
