I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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