I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
