I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
