hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
