Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
