Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
