White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
