Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
