I'm so fucking centered right now
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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