oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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