The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
