i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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