from now on my penis is your penis
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
