State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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