I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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