We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
