He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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