Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
