I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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