the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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