he puts the penis in happiness.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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