Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize