A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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